A Siriusly Poorly Executed Plan
by twistyties432
Summary: "And then the alligator will spit out the ring and someone will sweep up the exploded cake bits while I hug the crying Alice, and hopefully by then the magic paint will have dried." Frank and Alice help Sirius get James and Lily together. SiriusPOV. JPLE
1. All I Need Is a Plan

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

I walked down the hallways. I looked beautiful. All the birds were winking at me and swooning as I walked past. A few even fainted. Thats how good looking I was. They were all obsessed with me. (No not the little birds that can fly, but the female human birds. Although I'm sure that the little flying birds were swooning too. Every creature that can see obviously loves me.)

"Sirius!" My less attractive friend James called after me. "Oi! Mate! Slow up!"

James started jogging. Ha, he will never catch me. I am too superior to be cau...

"Ahhh! James get off of me! HELP! HELP! I'm under attack!" I swatted James off my back, but he wouldn't get down. Off! Down dog! I fell to the floor and started squirming to get out from under him.

"I told you to slow up mate." James said as he hopped off of me. Stupid boy, I will get him back for this. I growled slightly then wiped myself off and sat up.

I saw some girls snickering at me and stuck my tongue out at James. "Come on, come on Sirius!" James yelled tugging on my sleeves. Why on earth would I follow him?

"James why would I follow you?" I asked him voicing my thoughts so I didn't feel like a crazy person. It was then that I turned around and saw Lily Evans screaming and shaking her fist in the air running down the hall. I nearly wet my pants. Then after the initial shock I grabbed James through him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and started sprinting down the hall towards the fat lady portrait.

"Pixie! Pixie!" I yelled as I scrambled through the now open portrait hole. Then I ran up the boys dormitory stairs through James onto his bed and collapsed in a fit of laughter on the floor. I had needed that. My day had been particularly boring today.

"POTTER!" Oh no, I forgot that girls are aloud up here. I am so horribly daft. Oh well, good luck James. I am just going to cower in fear in the bathroom. Have fun with the scary fiery girl.

I could vaguely here Lily screaming at James through the key hole. Something about forgetting heads duties again. Then, something about getting his hand out of his blasted hair. I heard a slap. Then I heard thudding footsteps. The last thing I heard was a large thud and a scream.

It had happened just as it did every other day. They had the same argument. Lily slapped him in the face stormed away and forgot that Remus enjoys reading on the stairs around this time in the afternoon and she tripped over him and face planted in the common room. Yup, this happens everyday.

"What'd you do this time James?" I asked him. As if i didn't know. I was just humoring him. After all this has happened before.

"I forgot I was supposed to be going to heads duties," James sighed girlishly. He looked sadly down at the floor. He looked a bit like a sad puppy. No, I take that back. He looked like a sad stag. I'm the puppy in this scenario. The handsome adorable puppy who everyone loves.

"I assumed as much." I told him nodding smartly. Just then Remus walked in the room. He was rubbing a spot on his back where I would bet 5 galleons Lily kicked him on accident when she tripped over him.

"You really need to stop forgetting heads duties James," Remus said. Then he flopped down on his bed with a worn out book and began to read. How boring was he?

I was getting really irritated by this routine too thought to tell you the truth. It really made James unhappy too, having the love of his life slap him in the face. As his best mate I was supposed to be supportive and helpful. I needed to stop this.

Thats it I've made a decision. I am going to (with Remus' help) save James from this endless everyday torture and devise a plan to make Lily fall helplessly in love with James. It will be such and obsessive love that the next thing I will need to plan is how to break them apart.

Now, all I have to do is convince Remus to help me with my plan. Then, when he inevitably says no I have to find out where Peter wandered to. Then, when I can't find him, I will complete the plan on my own.

I will put it into action as soon as I can. It is going to be fool proof. Look out Lily Evans, because here I come.


	2. All I Need Is Frank

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

Something incredibly important to the creation of my plan has just occurred to me. I just realized that everyday when I am saving James from the wrath that is Lily I have never actually seen Lily fall down the stairs.

I was very dissapointed when i found this out. That is why I am currently conducting a stakeout. I am so well hidden no one will see him. I couldn't be better hidden with James invisibility cloak. I'm telling you... "Sirius get your face out from under that pillow before you suffocate yourself."

Darn you Remus. You always foil my plans. "Awww, Moony, you gave away my hiding place." I pouted popping my head out from under the pillow. My gorgeous hair was falling into my pretty grey eyes.

Remus started laughing at me. Thats right Remus I'm so gorgeous that its laughable. "Is that what you were doing? I thought maybe you'd forgotten which side of the pillow your head was supposed to go on again." Remus continued laughing at me. Oh ha ha Remus. You probably think your hystrerical. Well I have something to tell you. Your laugh is girly. Take that.

*Thump*. Well that was odd. I wonder what that noise was? Hahahahaha. DRAT! I can't believe I missed that. Oh right I've just remembered that you folks have no idea what I'm on about. Silly me. Well let me just fill you in, Lily is currently sprawled at the bottom of the boys dormitory stairs.

Wait just a second. Something does not add up here. Here Remus is standing next to me and there Lily is at my feet. How on earth did she trip this time?

Oh this is a great moment. I can hear her cursing Remus under her breath. She has just tripped down the stairs in anticipation of him being there. Oh I can't wait to tell James he will think this is hilarious.

No wait scratch that, I can't wait to tell Frank. James wouldn't find it very amusing that his love just tripped down the stairs. Oh speaking of James! (or rather thinking of i suppose...but nevermind that!) There he is now.

James has a tiny red hand print on his left cheek. Way to spice things up a bit Lily its normally the right cheek you slap. Why is there a hand waving in front of my face? I should probably toon back into the world around me.

"Heeellllllloooooo..." Remus that is particularly annoying.

"Yes Remus?" Politeness gets you very far with Moony.

"I believe James was asking you if you were quite alright. You looked a bit out of it to tell you the truth mate. Lily fell down the stairs and you fell off into your own little world." Remus cracked a smile at his own little joke. His own stupid little joke.

James looks like he is about ready to croak. "Lilyflower tripped down the stairs? Is she all right?" James looks very worried. Time to call him down.

"Its fine Prongs, she does it everyday." Remus lowered his head into his hand and started shaking his head slowly in a sort of defeated manner. Prongs looks, if possible, more horrified than before. This was perhaps the wrong thing to say.

"Everyday?" James croaked. He was really too obsessed with her. Siriusly (pun intended) did he really need to be that upset that she trips down the stairs everyday.

I thought it was pretty hilarious. She imagined she saw Remus sitting there reading and then BAM she is on the floor, and now I'm on the floor. And I am laughing hysterically, at the sheer memory of it all. I can't believe I didn't actually get to witness that happening.

James is glaring at me now, but I just can't stop laughing. "What is going on with Sirius?" Why hello up there Frank. Don't mind me I'll just be down here laughing on the floor.

I calmed myself down. Then stood up and wiped off the front of my robes. "Frank you were just the man I've been wanting to see." I told him. Then I proceeded to tell him what happened to Lily and it ended with Frank and I laughing on the floor again. I could tell James wanted to laugh with us and thought it was pretty funny, but he was too afraid of Lily to actually show his amusement.

This is getting to be to much. He shouldn't be afraid of Lily! He should be off snogging her somewhere! This stops now! Or rather starts now...the snogging that is. I'm just going to wait until I calm down and then come up with a plan.

I have also just discovered the perfect person to help me with my prank. I'll just have to ask Frank. Wow. That rhymed. Anyway, if I do end up getting help from Frank that means I will also get help from Alice who has the unlimited amounts of Lily information.

This plan of mine is definitely getting off to a good start.


	3. All I Need Is To Stop Beeping

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

I am currently standing outside the muggle studies room waiting to approach Frank about the plan. He doesn't know about the plan yet, but I know he will want to help me with it. So thats why I'm here, crouching outside the muggle studies classroom.

Lalala..."FRANK!" Frank fell backwards on to his bum and screeched like a little girl. Maybe I shouldn't have jumped out at him and sprung up in front of his face like a frog. That was probably the exact opposite of what I should have done.

Frank stood in front of me wide eyed one hand over his heaving chest breathing deeply. "Sirius! You scared me!" Frank yelled at me. Calm down Frankie. I mean no harm.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. You see what happened is I found a sickle on the ground and then I saw you. I had been looking for you in the first place you see so I just popped up and yelled your name." That was a complete lie. I'm going to give myself a pat on the back if he believed that.

"Alright then," Frank said, "for a second there I thought you just popped out at me for fun." *Pat pat pat*. Frank is looking at me strangely now that I've just done that.

"Oh...err...there was a bug on my shoulder there. Just thought I would smash it. Back to business! I've decided I need to get James and Lily together. I needed someone to help me execute said plan. I chose you!" I told him. Frank is now looking at me more strangely than when I started slapping my shoulder.

"So just out of curiosity, why wouldn't you choose Remus or Peter?" Frank said. He looked uncomfortable.

"Well you see Frank, your one of my best mates! And...Remus won't help me. Also, I can't find Peter. My last reason was that Alice Prewett is your girlfriend and is also Lily's best mate. However, other than those reasons its because you are one of my best mates." I told him. That sounded convincing. There is no way he will turn me down. He is sighing! That means he is giving in!

I told him to follow me and together we started walking towards the library. Then, we sat down at a table and started talking.

"So what's the plan?" Frank asked me.

"I have a plan! It is a great plan! People with be awed by my smarts that have created this plan!"

"We don't have a plan do we?"

"Nah, I haven't thought of anything." Good thing I was able to weasel myself out of that one. I seriously don't think I would have been able to think of something that short notice.

"Okay, so we should start planning then?" Why does Frank sound like he is questioning himself? Of course we should start planning! Maybe I should say that out loud.

"Yes, lets get to it!" So we sat there for the next hour until we came up with the perfect plan. Plan G.J.T.S.B.L.F.H.D.S.S.L.S.G.H. Otherwise known as get James to stop being late for heads duties soon so Lily stops getting hurt. Frank was against this name, but I liked it. It was nice long and confusing. That way it would be harder for James to guess what we were doing.

So heres the plan:

Step 1: Set a timing spell on James wrist.

Step 2: Set the timer to beep every time James has heads duties.

Step 3: There isn't one I just thought a plan with two steps looked dumb.

After that we went to dinner and Frank shot the spell at James over his mashed potatoes. This admittedly was a bad idea, because everyone was wondering why Frank had his wand out at dinner in the first place.

Now Frank and I are leaning against the fluffy red pillows on the fluffy red couch in front of the fire and watching our plan fall apart. All James has to do to get the timer to stop going off is go to heads duties. Instead this is what is happening:

"MY BODY IS BEEPING! I CAN'T GET TO HEADS DUTIES AND LILY IS GOING TO KILL ME BECAUSE MY BODY IS BEEPING! I'VE BEEN HEXED! I'M GOING TO DIE!" James is running around flapping his arms. Also, between each word is a very loud beep. Then, here comes Lily.

"I cannot think with all this incessant beeping! Who is in charge of this?" Lily shrieked as she ran down the stairs. I pointed at Frank and he pointed at James. Maybe I should have pointed at James. Frank is glaring at me now.

It's okay Frankie, Lily didn't even see me pointing at you. Lily is now growling at James. She took out her wand and is chasing him up the stairs to our dorms. I hear yelling, then the smack, then a thud and Lily is on the ground at my feet.

Oh hear come James, hello James. "SIRIUS!" Oh wow, he looks really scary right now. I think I'll be running away now.

"Frank help!" I yelled as I ran out the portrait whole, but Frank just stood there laughing at me. This is not funny Frank! I knew I shouldn't have pointed at him. He was bound to get his revenge eventually. He is definitely not as sweet as everyone (*cough* Alice *cough*) seems to think he is.

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	4. All I Need Is A No

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

We were all sitting down eating our breakfast the next morning. I must admit I looked stunningly handsome even with my new black eye. Remus has a hard punch.

You must be wondering why sweet innocent Remus would ever punch me. I will explain. James still hasn't gone to heads duties (obviously) so he is still beeping. Loudly. Every five seconds.

Eventually to drown out the beeping James has decided it would be a brilliant idea to scream "BEEP!" at the top of his lungs whenever his body beeps.

He said he is doing this because the beeping is annoying him. I have no idea how this even makes sense. Eventually, Remus became fed up. He of course knew it was all my fault because I had originally asked him to help me with my plan.

"BEEP!" Arrrggghhh. I'm going to pull my hair out if he doesn't stop that! "BEEP!" JAMES! "BEEP!"

"That is it!" And with that I threw myself across the table at him and tackled him to the great hall floor.

I pinned his shoulders to the ground and started screaming at him. "This is what you are going to do! You are going to organize head duties to be scheduled RIGHT NOW and you are going to go to them RIGHT NOW, because I am sick of your BEEPING!" I then brushed myself off hopped back over the table and grabbed a biscuit to begin spreading with butter and marmalade.

James looked slightly shaken. He quickly got over it and turned to face Lily. "Oi Lily!" Beep. "Head meetings." Beep. "In five." Beep. "In the Gryffindor." Beep. "Common Room." Beep. "See you there." Beep. Lily looks like she is about to start screaming and pulling her own hair out. Do it Lily! I need entertainment and you would look ridiculous bald!

Drat. Lily has instead settled for calming down and walking quietly to the heads meeting that James has just scheduled. That was way out of character. Hey there! Here comes Alice. "Hello Alice."

"Sirius if what Frank just told me is true I am going to kill you." Oh, I get it. Now I understand why Lily was uncharacteristically calm. She has taken some of her fire and leant it to Alice momentarily.

Now I'm scared. "Heh heh, whatever do you mean Alice m'dear?" I asked. I looked so charming it would have been very difficult for anyone, let alone Alice, to be mean to me right now.

"SIRIUS BLACK THE BEEPING! YOU ARE A COMPLETE DOLT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Deep breaths Alice, thats it calm down. It's okay really, you are not actually mad at me. You have just been too happy these last five years and needed a way to let out your anger. See now your going to talk and when you do you will be all cheery again.

"Okay, I'm okay. Sorry about that Sirius, I just have a bit of a headache. It will dull down. I've come down here for more than just to yell at you though. I think on your next plan I should help you. You need to do something a little less annoying. We want Lily to love James, not hate him more." I am so incredibly proud of myself right now. My internal pep talks to people have never worked until now. Way to go Sirius!

"Okay right that would be ace. What do you suppose Lily finds most annoying about James that we could fix next." I asked her sweetly.

"If anything I would say it was the fact that he can't asking her out. She complains about it non-stop." Alice told me.

"I've got just the plan." I then went upstairs to shower and change. When I came down I was in, it must be said, my most attractive pair of muggle denim trousers. I was planning on being more annoying towards Lily than James was.

It started out like any regular morning, Transfiguration first. Everyone sat where they usually sat. There was not a soul out of place. Except for me that is. I chose to sit right next to Lily. "Lily-flower." I whisper hissed out of the side of my mouth.

"Not now Black." Oh that was sassy. Couldn't you be a little nicer to me missy?

"No, no Lily-flower this is very important." I hissed, but softer this time. Old Minnie was scowling at me. It was as if she knew I was up to something rotten and was going to call me out on it.

"No, for the last time, I will not go out with Potter. Now leave me alone." She hissed just as I had been doing. Her hiss was more threatening though, and dare I say snake-like.

"No, that wasn't what I wanted. I was actually wondering if you would go to Hogsmeade with me." You know how sometimes people will be drinking something and they spew it out because someone else says something shocking? Well this was one of those times, except Lily wasn't drinking anything. Instead she spit ALL over me.

Lily looked at me with wide and narrowed eyes. I didn't know it was possible to looked shocked and threatening at the same time. Her green eyes were the scariest things I think I have ever seen. Her red hair was like fire and her face was just as red as it was.

Poor James, he must fear for his life every single day. "I dare you to ask me that again." She said menacingly. You know what? I'd rather not.

"No thank you." I said to her ducking my head down sheepishly.

"Thats what I thought." She said then held her head up again triumphantly to listen to what Minnie has been saying.

It's funny that she thinks this is over.

Later that day in herbology I tried again. I walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. "Lily dear, would you accompany to Hogsmeade this weekend?" She glared at me for a split second and then a smile threatened to crack her face in half. It was not a happy smile.

"You know what Sirius that is an excellent idea. I would love to. Maybe if James sees me with his best mate he will back off and realize that not even you think we will end up together." She smiled again.

"Er, yes that is exactly what I was thinking. Why don't I pick you up outside the great hall by the front doors at around ten-ish on Saturday? Sounds good? Good." Then I ran away as fast as I could out the doors of the greenhouse. Who cares if I was supposed to have class right now?

"FRANK! ALICE! FRANK! ALICE! FRALICE! ALANK!" I screamed to the two of them. I figured they needed a cute couple name. Oh merlin, I'm starting to sound like those strange love-struck birds.

"What is it Sirius?" Alice asked in her motherly tone popping out of nowhere. So she is sane Alice again is she?

"I have a problem. Earlier I told you I had a plan. Well, my plan was to ask Lily out more than James ever does so she would realize there is someone more irritating that James out there. Then, the whole plan back fired and I don't know what to do because she said yes! She thinks going out with me will get James off her back!" I said all in one breath, starting to wine by the end of it.

"Sirius, why would you even think that plan would work? What did I say about consulting me first about all of your decisions? You are so lucky I have already thought of the perfect plan to get you out of this mess."

Just then Frank came skidding down the hall nearly colliding with Alice. "How did you get down here so fast? I was just in the common room with you a few moments ago." Well that is a scary piece of information to know. I better pay attention to Frank now he looks like he is about to talk to me. "What did I miss?"

Do I really have to re-explain this? No, no I don't. Frank will just have to remain ignorant during this stage of the plan. Whatever this stage of the plan is.

**My longest chapter yet. Review?**


	5. All I Need Is Some Grease

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

Alice kicked her feet up and set them to rest on a cushy piece of the sofa. The particular cushy piece of sofa I was about to sit down on. That was okay though, if her taking my seat meant I got to hear her plan sooner than so be it.

"Okay Ali, what's the plan?" Alice is glaring at me. I think I like nice Alice better. I think I will brink her back now. "Eh hem, I err meant to say Alice." Her cute little fairy smile is back. Yay! Oh no, please anyone who is listening to my thoughts, don't tell Remus I just did that. He will never let me live it down!

"Okay, here is what you are going to do. It is simple really. You just have to go on the date with Lily and make her see that you are much worse than James would have been if she had agreed to go with him." My jaw dropped. I always thought that was just an expression until it just happened. My mouth literally fell open. It was kind of fun! Alice say that again! I like it when my jaw drops! Alice looks smug over there, she probably thinks this is a great plan. Well do I have news for her, I would never do that to James.

"Okay I'll do it. What do I need to do?" Shut up mouth! Stop opening on your own! First the dropping and now this, really? Seriously? I need to go to Poppy and have that checked out. It cannot be a normal thing.

"Okay well first of all you have excellent hair." Err...thanks Alice? "Lily loves excellent hair, except her own which frankly, hee hee thats my boyfriend, anyway I just don't understand. It is so pretty and red and..." GAH!

"On with it woman! I don't care if Lily has pretty hair, or if Frank's name is punny!"

"Oh right, as I was saying, Lily adores your hair. If you grease it up a bit and tell her its because it looks 'attractive' and you only want to look good for her she may start crying. I'm talking huge sobs running down her face." I hope she is exaggerating.

"Is that all then? Bad hair?" That seems pretty easy. I could always just do James hair if that will make his Lily love him, errr I mean my Lily? I suppose?

"Is that all? What are you two on about? That is the stupidest plan!" Frank yelled, popping up out of nowhere. Then he sent an apologetic glance towards Alice, "Sorry, dear." He then sat down on a squishy arm chair and dissolved into the fat red cushions. He makes a lot of noise when trying to get comfortable.

"All settled Frank?" Alice asked smiling. Frank nodded. "Good, now on with the plan, you need to get James a date." Frank clapped his hands together excitedly like a two year old.

Excuse me? We are trying to get them together! Not set them up with new people! I will not stand for this! If James sees me there he will cut off my ears and feed them to a blast ended skrewt! "That sounds like an excellent plan. Then Lily can see what a great date he would have been." Hey now! Those were not my thoughts! I am personally retracting that statement!

"You are also going to need to do James' hair. And be repulsive! If you are charming that proves nothing!" Oi! That was my idea! Why don't I say my great ideas out loud?

**oooooooooooooo**

The green tie or the red tie. The navy robes or the black robes? Amanda or Chelsea? Decisions, decisions.

"Red for Gryffindor, black looks cleaner, and Amanda she is more attractive. Now what did you need to know that for?" Remus can read minds! AHHHH! Or I said all of that out loud. Woops, oh well best to answer his questions.

"If you must know my dear Moony I have a date this afternoon and I also needed to pick a date for James. He is running out of last minute possibilities. Elizabeth and Martha already turned him down. I definitely agree though. I better go tell James." I mumbled speaking what came into my head while trying to answer the questions. Then, I ran away out the dorm and down the stairs. Wow it is breezy down here. Someone needs to cook up a fire.

"Sirius! Get up here and get some pants on!" That explains so much. If it weren't for Moony where would I be? I would be down here without pants on that is where I would be.

That is so much warmer. Now off to find James. "Prongsie! Come out come out where ever you are!" AHHHH! There is something wet on my face. I'm going to open my eyes now and see what that is. "JAMES POTTER! GET YOUR WET FINGER AWAY FROM MY FACE!" Where did he come from? Why doesn't my life make sense anymore?

"What'd you want me for mate?" He asked me dipping his finger in a cup of water. Why in the name of merlin is he sticking his finger in a glass of water? Sometimes I just don't know what that bloke is doing.

"I have it under good authority (remember my chat with Remus?) that you should ask out Amanda to hogsmead for today. The bird is desperate! She would probably say yes!" Way to convince him Sirius. I give you a pat on the back. I really need to stop doing that in front of people. They give me strange looks.

"Okay then? I'll just be off to find Amanda then." James took a last chance to look at me strangely through his circular glasses, and then walked off with his glass of water.

"COME FIND ME WHEN SHE SAYS YES!" I yelled at him. If I didn't do the hair thing then Alice would kill me. Speaking of the hair thing I best be off to the kitchen to get some grease for my own hair.

**oooooooooooooo**

I walked up to a portrait of fruit and tickled the pear. Just to tell you all, I am not crazy. This is how you enter the kitchens. It's a secret. SHHHH! Anyway, I am walking inside the kitchens now.

"Mr. Black, would you like a sundae?" The littlest house-elf asked me. She loved me.

"No, Juney. Can I have any left over grease?" Great now the cutest little house elf is looking at me strangely. Does anyone think I'm normal anymore? I will tell you something I am the epitome of normal.

Oh dang! I forgot to where my kitchen underwear! It has become a tradition to me that whenever I go down to the kitchens I wear my cauldron boxers. But still, I am normal. Oh look here comes little Juney!

She handed be the jar of grease and I dipped both of my hands in it. Luckily it was cooled down my this point. I then ran my hands through my hair. Take that Lily. One does of ugly greasy hair coming up. "Thanks Juney! See you later!" And with that I skipped out of the kitchen. I am _ready_ for my date. Now getting James ready for his will be the real problem...

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	6. Its All About the Hair

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Hi Everyone. I just wanted to go ahead and apologize for the spelling and grammar mistakes in all of the chapters so far. In the next ones coming I will try to fix that problem. Thanks for reading. :D.**

Here comes James. Hello James! I need to do his hair. "Jamie-poo I need to make your hair perfect for your date with Amanda."

James is looking slightly offended and rubbing his frizzy mop with a confused look on his face. It is sticking up everywhere. It makes me wonder why Amanda ever said yes. Which brings me to an important and crucial question, "James, did Amanda say yes?" James eyebrow are now scrunching over his eyes. His lips are in an unattractive scowl. That's nothing new though, he is always unattractive.

"Of course she said yes! She loves me and my hair, but errr maybe she would like it more if you did something with it for me?" Ha. That is what I thought. Come here James.

I shoved him down in a chair and grabbed my wand to straighten his hair and excessive amounts of hair flattening cream. I immediately started rubbing it through his hair and flattening his hair down.

That was just about when Remus walked in, "Hello everyo-WHAT IS GOING ON! GET OFF OF JAMES HAIR! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HIM WITH IT ALL! IT IS GOING TO SEEP INTO HIS SCALP AND HE WILL DIE!" Remus then bodily tackled me to the ground. That was unexpected. GET OFF OF ME REMUS! OUCHIE! I can't talk now. I can't breathe either. He is crushing my ribs.

"REMUS! STOP IT! GET OFF OF SIRIUS!" No, James! That is extra weight on my rib area. Oh merlin no, this isn't happening. I can't breathe. I never imagined death would come in my dormitory with James and Remus sitting on top of me. I am not happy. Where is Peter when you need him?

"Hey everyone, I just ran into Amanda and Lily down there. They were chatting amongst themselves and I heard your names being tossed about. No one was talking about you though Remus. I'm sorry mate, I would have snooped around to see if maybe you were eventually talked about, but Linda from Hufflepuff was in the common room and she makes me nervous. Well this isn't a very fun conversation. I'll be seeing you later mates." And with that my last hope left the room. Thanks a bunch Peter.

Wait! My stomach feels lighter! They are gone! This is just great! I looked up at James. His hair was doing this weird sweeping thing. Lily will love it. Time to go. Come on James we have to go down to our dates now.

"Who is your date Sirius?" James is asking to many questions. I can't just ignore him though.

"I am going to be spending the day with Lily's twin we never knew about before Jilly. She is awesome! Now lets go!" I then grabbed James' hands and pulled him down the stairs.

Lily looked at me and nearly gagged in her hand. "Oh Sirius! What have you done to your hair? When is the last time you showered?" Oh I'd forgotten about that. The marauders never make comments about my hair. Its as if when we are around each other we are all just closing our eyes.

"Hello Jilly. You look just like your sister." James just ruined my plan. Wait a second. It looks as though she didn't hear him at all. She was too busy staring at his hair to notice what he was actually saying.

"Lily you're drooling a bit." I whispered in her ear. She then pulled on my hand and ran out of the common room.

We then hopped on a carriage and went into Hogsmead. I walked us towards the Three Broomsticks. We walked inside got two butterbeers and shared a booth.

Now I need to start being as repulsive as possible, "So Sirius, how far along are you on your transfiguration essay?" I stuck one finger in my ear and made a contemplative face.

I was about to say something completely repulsive, I'm telling you I was _so _close, when what she said actually clicked in my mind. "We had a transfiguration essay? How on earth did I forget? EWWW YUCK! WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN IS ON MY HAND?" I had run my hand through my hair in worry and all of this grease got all over my hand. It was all slimey.

Lily is giggling at me. Oh go eat your hair! Or better yet mine, its covered in cooking grease! That'll show you to giggle at the all mighty Sirius Black's misfortune.

Lily walked over to me grabbed my hand and pulled be into the bathroom. Then, she shoved my head under the sink and started to rinse away my grease. This was not in the plan! Alice never said this would happen! They're in cahoots! As soon as I get home I am _so_ telling on her to Frank! He will not be happy.

"Why is there cooking grease in your hair Black?" Lily giggled running her now soapy/greasy hands through my hair in an attempt to get it clean.

"Why are your hands in my hair Evans?" I shot back. Yeah thats right, eat that Lily. I don't know why James likes you. Oh that felt good. Its like you're giving me a head massage. Did you ever give James a head massage? If so I take back what I just said. I know exactly why he likes you.

"I was tired of hearing you shriek like a little girl when you got the grease all over your hands." Well, I suppose that is a good enough reason Lily.

Oh darn! Now Lily won't be able to see what a fantastic date James is with his great new hair and winning personality. I'm starting to sound like all those crazy love sick birds.

"Sirius, why wasn't James upset that I was with you?" That is a great question Lily, one that I don't feel like answering truthfully.

"I don't know Lily. He probably just didn't see you?" Lily scoffed, and looked like she was about to say something, and then just as I predicted she did say something.

"Of course he saw me. He just doesn't notice me anymore, and just when I was starting to like him too." She smiled sadly. This plan is going to work out after all! I can't wait to tell Frank! Lily will tell Alice of course, they are in cahoots remember?

We then made the mutual decision to head back to Hogwarts and study for any test we may or may not have, to finish the transfiguration essay I had no idea was due, and to take a nap and bother Remus. Believe it or not I was the one taking the nap in that scenario.

**oooooooooooo**

I woke up from my nap in around three hours when I heard the dormitory door slam shut. I assumed it was just Peter, as it is his nature to slam doors and disappear unexpectedly for around three hours. So, this is why I ignored the door slamming.

This was obviously a mistake. Since I made this decision I was graced with 100+ pounds of dead weight on my abdominal area. That is just wonderful, for the second time today.

"Get off of me James!" James just smiled goofily at me. This is getting very creepy, I'm going to need him to stop.

I have a plan. "I bet I can guess why you're so happy! Is it because Lily didn't fall down the stairs today? If it is I'm the reason for your happiness! I have never been so proud of myself."

"Nope, thats not it, it is because Amanda is amazing! She is exactly what I need in a girlfriend. Lily is too bossy, and I could never date a girl who falls down the stairs that much. I would have to deal with too many injuries." I am dumbfounded. I am dumbfounded and my ribs hurt, because they are being squashed by Prongsie weight.

I thought my plan was perfect. I thought my plan was fool proof. Haha no one can make a Sirius/Frank/Alice plan fail. I just have to move onto the next phase, and to do that I have to consult Alice and find out what the next phase is.

**Review?**


	7. Sirius the Manly Man

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. **

**Sorry about all the grammar and spelling mistakes, I will try to fix them eventually :D.**

"Oh Sirus, you know you're not supposed to make plans by yourself. Nothing good ever comes of it." Alice told me as she laid a soft hand on my arm.

I was currently in the hospital wing. While Poppy was off getting me my pain potion I was being comforted/scolded by Alice. She really is sweet when she isn't being moody. I should have just gone to her to think of a plan in the first place.

Lying next to me in the hospital wing is Lily. She had a bit of a problem that resulted in her breaking her arm. We both have to spend the night here now. When you think about it though I guess we could both be blaming Remus for this whole mess.

**Flashback**

_I laid back on my bed and let out a sigh. I will take this moment to tell you that it was a very manly sigh. This moment should not have people doubting my masculinity._

_ Now that my masculinity has been defended I will tell you why I was sighing just then. My plan is scattered to bits. It being seventh year and the war looming and all Frank has decided he is going to propose to Alice. He is now putting all his thinking power towards that instead of helping me. _

_ You probably think this is no problem, but as you can tell by the sigh, I am becoming more and more feminine during this plan because I have been avoiding my best mates more than usual. Hanging around with Alice concocting some froofy girly plan is not going to help me be any less feminine. _

_ That is how I ended up lying on my bed sighing like a manly man. Aha! Here comes Remus. He is always chalk-full of wisdom and insight for all of my plans. He will know just how to get James to love Lily again instead of she's a man, duh! Get my play on words there? You see she is actually Amanda. I am so very clever. Please, hold your applause._

_ "Hello, Sirius." Remus says to me in his nerdy prefect voice, that is slightly gruff on top of the nerdiness due to the whole werewolf fandango. So I guess I should be thinking, 'Remus says to me in his nasal scratchy were-fect voice'._

_ I should also mention to you that Remus does not have an annoying voice. I am just not good at describing voices. Moving on! Instead of arguing with myself I should be responding to Remus. I look like a fool! "Why hello there young Remus what brings you up here." I said in a really low voice. The way I imagine a woodsman would talk to a bear it was about to kill. Not that I would kill Remus._

_ "I live up here. These are the dorms Sirius." Oh right. I knew that. Hahaha I was just joking around with you Remus. I knew where we were this whole time. "So, what is troubling you?" How does he always know?_

_ "How do you always know what I'm going to say?" I've said it before and I'll say it again. Remus reads minds. Remus waved his hand to dismiss my question and he signaled for me to go on. "Okay let me just tell you. James says that he likes she's a man duh, and that he doesn't like Lily anymore! Lily says that she likes James and that she doesn't like hating him anymore! What am I to do?"_

_ "Doesn't like Lily? HA! That's a laugh Sirius, he is obviously not telling the truth." You're probably right Remus. He probably is just lying. Why would he stop liking Lily. It's definitely not the..._

_ "The truth! The truth!" I picked up Remus in a big hug and started spinning him around. This once again was very manly. I am not a poof. "HAHA! Remus you genius! Why didn't I think of this?" I then sprinted from the room. Remus is the best smart person I have ever met._

_**oooooooooooo**_

_ "So you are telling me," Remus asked as soon as I stepped back in the room, "that you just stole veritaserum from Professor Slughorn so you could see if James was telling the truth about liking Amanda?" YES! Go ahead and say it. I am a genius and your are jealous._

_ "Actually, it is to see if he was telling the truth about not loving Lily, but you've got the basic concept. Now all I have to do is pour it in a glass and ask him if he'd like some water and then I have fifteen minutes to question him." It is the smartest plan I have ever concocted. James will be in her soon and my plan will go perfectly._

_ Yes! Here is James now, its as if he knew I had a huge plan against him, and he became so excited he just had to come up here now. "I am absolutely parched, would anyone fancy getting me a glass of water?" Wow. James you are perfect. You just saved me so much time. This plan is going so well._

_ "Here James I have some here." I handed James the glass of potion. He downed it all in one gulp. I laughed maniacally and Remus sat there completely dumb struck._

_ "So James, I have a question for you..." I started to say._

_ "Are you the one who stole my chocolate?" Remus butt in very rudely. Oh well at least I still have time._

_ "Yes, it was me, and I will tell you just how I did it..." James then proceeded to go on a fifteen minute long speech of just how he had stolen and eaten Remus' chocolate. After James was done, I tackled Remus to the floor._

_ "You've ruined my whole plan! He was meant to tell me all about how he loved Lily! He was supposed to say he thought she's a man duh was utterly disgusting! He was supposed to tell me he'd always been secretly jealous of my hair! He was supposed to spend the remaining five minutes telling me how gorgeous I was! He was not supposed to spend fifteen minutes describing how he had stolen your chocolate!" _

_ "Are you quite done?" Remus asked me as he pushed me off of him with his wolfish strength._

_ "Yes," I huffed at him, "but you owe me some veritaserum!" Then I crossed my arms over my chest in a man-ish way and stomped over to my bed and sat down. It was then that I noticed the murderous look on James' face. He apparently didn't like that I had given him a truth potion._

_ James tackled me off my bed and onto the ground and started throwing punches at me and one particularly nasty hex that turned one of my ears blue and made my stomach sprout mushrooms all over it. Sometime during all of this Remus had gone to his regular reading spot on the stairs, instead of helping me._

_ Lily heard all of the noise we were making and ran up the stairs to save the day. She pulled James off of me, but a lot of the damage had been done._

_ "Sirius! What did you do to James to make him so mad at you! You are an idiot!" Well, that was unexpected. I thought she would yell at James. How is this my fault? Does she not see my swelling nose and lip? My mushroom stomach? My BLUE ear?_

_ Lily then turned on James. That's right! You go girl! Eh hem...heh heh, I once heard someone say that at a quidditch match. A very manly quidditch match. That didn't happen because I've been spending too much time with Alice... "And YOU! How dare you hurt your best friend! The lot of you are idiots! I don't understand how Remus can even stay in the same room as you!" _

_ Lily then stormed out of the room. I heard a lump, a thud, and a crack. Lily, had apparently once again forgotten that Remus likes to read on the stairs. _

_ I crawled over to the dormitory door and peered down the stairwell. That was when I noticed Remus rushing to her aid. He tried to fix her cracked arm, but accidentally did the wrong wand movements and the word was slightly jumbled. Instead of fixing her he turned her green and covered her in lumps._

_ Lily looked ready to thump him over the head with the nearest library book when she collapsed to the ground. LILY FAINTED! SOMEONE CALL POMFREY! OW! James just kicked me down the stairs. I knew I shouldn't have leaned down them like that. And that was when the world faded to black_.

**End Flashback**

So as you can see absolutely none of this was my fault. It was Remus' idea in the first place. And there is no way you can blame the Lily thing on me! Madam Pomfrey has no clue what is going on with her.

Remus seems to have discovered/invented some new hex. Poppy had no clue what the reverse could possibly be. She also says I have a broken nose, and the mushroom thing will take a while to clear up.

Needless to say Lily and I will be in here the next couple of days. Well, at least I have Alice as company. Lily has been asleep the whole time, and when she isn't asleep she is cranky.

"Okay, well I have to go see Frank." Scratch that I don't have Alice as company. I do have one good thing that has come from this though. When James came to yell at me some more he admitted that he still hasn't gotten over Lily. Unfortunately, he still plans on going out with she's a man duh.

The next step in my plan, once Frank is back from la la land, is to get James to break up with she's a man duh. This shouldn't take long at all.

**Review?**


	8. My Hair is Brilliant

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

Owwww. Maybe that plan wasn't the best idea. Remus never was good with plans. Why do I share things with him? I should have just gone to Alice in the first place.

*Yawn* Oh that sounds like Lily. I guess she's waking up now. "AAAHHHHH!" What a drama queen, so what if Remus turned her green and lumpy and she broke her arm. I had fungi growing out of my stomach and I got kicked down the stairs! She can just stop complaining.

"Calm down Lily or you'll wake Sirius!" I heard a voice whisper. Jamie you went to the wrong bed! Yoo-hoo! I am over hear. Thats Lily you silly...wait a second. Did he just say what I think he said? Is he hear to visit Lily? I can't believe him!

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN? YOU JUST STOOD OVER ME! YOU WERE TWO CENTIMETERS FROM MY FACE! AHH BLUHH NUGH! GEFF YOUR HANS AWF MMEA!" What in the world does ahh bluhh nugh geff your hans awf mmea mean? Is that supposed to be comprehendible?

"No Lily I won't not unless you quiet down!" What in the name of Merlin? Can James read minds or did he just understand her? There is no way. I just can't believe it.

"Now listen up Lily. Sirius is playing us. You see after I've told him...well thats besides the point! He's been trying to do something with us. It's obviously making our lives miserable. We need to stop him." We need to stop him? What have I done that is all that bad? I've been helpful.

Granted I've turned Lily green, but it is matching her insides. She is green with jealousy because of James' newfound love for she's a man duh. One might point out that no one has told her about that, but it still all works. So no, they do not need to 'stop me'.

"Lily we need to fake date, to get Sirius off of our backs. If we don't he is just going to keep following us around, making me beep, and just in general being an annoying dolt." Lily you can't agree with him. You're on my side. We've dated! Sure I just dated you to get you together with my best mate who you are in love with...but it all counts!

"Plus, if we don't stop him now Lily when we finally become a couple," Oh really James, that was so _not_ smooth. That was just embarrassing. Oh look he's blushing and scratching his head uncomfortably. Don't be stupid Jamie! Your just scruffing up your hair! If you keep scruffing up your hair she won't find you attractive, like me, and she won't ever marry you and have your children! "Errr...what I mean to say is that...well if he ever...if he happens too...what I'm trying to say is."

"I understand, Potter, just get on with it." Oh Lily, why do you have to be so reasonable? All that embarrassing drivel could have been fun black mail!

"Well anyway he just wouldn't stop bragging, about getting us together," I still would've gotten you together, seeing as my plan is already in action so I will still be bragging. "And about his stupid hair which is not that great to begin with!" THATS IT! THAT IS THE LAST STRAW!

"MY HAIR IS BRILLIANT!" I then tackled him to the ground and shoved a fistful of hair in his face. "FEEL IT! FEEL IT! YOUR JUST JEALOUS! FEEL MY HAIR! FEEL MY LUSCIOUS LOCKS OF SILKY SMOOTH AMAZING-NESS!" I grabbed his hand and forced it on my hair and made him pet while I pinned him to the ground.

"SIRIUS! STOP HURTING JAMES! HE DOESN'T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR STUPID HAIR!" Lily back off this is not your battl...WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT JUST A MINUTE! DID SHE JUST SAY STUPID HAIR?

And I was just about to tackle Lily when Pomfrey came back in the room. She sent a spell at us to knock us unconscious and right before my mind went black (for the second time in two days) I heard one last curse being shot at me by Madam Pomfrey, "OBLIVIATE!" And then I drifted into sleep.

**oooooooooooooo**

Wow I have quite the headache. Stupid James, why did you kick me down the stairs. I'll just have a look around and see who else has to be in here with me. Its just who I expected, Lily, James, me, and wait just a second. What is James doing in here? I mean I knew I got in a few good punches, because come on, I'm Sirius Black. But, I never thought it was bad enough to land him in the hospital wing.

Hey look there is Remus. He brought flowers for Lily, homework for me (BLEH! Really Moony? Where are _my _flowers?) and he looks equally as shocked as I was to see James. Aww come on I know I'm not that weak.

To ensure that Remus did not come up here for nothing I let my eyelids flutter open gracefully. Then, I dropped my eyelids and pouted a little trying to look like a wounded puppy.

"Sirius what is wrong with your face? It looks like a hippogriff sat on you." Why I oughta...that face is adorable! Where is your heart Moony?

It's okay though. I can save myself from this. "A hippogriff of emotions Moony, I was betrayed by you, and kicked, punched, and hexed by James. My only true friend is Peter! And all Peter does is steal my snacks! I quite enjoy my snacks." Remus snorted, and then mutter something about me being melodramatic . Oh yeah? Well, your Jell-O is dramatic too! Eat that! Which you can because it is Jell-O...SO THERE!

"Okay then, I guess I won't tell you what I overheard Marlene McKinnon saying about your hair..." Remus turned around to walk away. How dare you tempt me Remus! You know that before my James and Lily scheme I was trying to woo Marlene! You also know I can't turn down a good 'look at Sirius' awesome hair story'. That was just foul play!

"No wait, Remus! Come back! Tell me how pretty she thinks my hair is! Tell me, tell me, tell me!" I smiled my most charming smile at him.

Remus smiled back and walked over to me. He flipped his golden brown hair to the side. He then pulled up a chair and sat near my bed. Then, he straightened out his glasses, and started polishing his wand...

"DEAR MERLIN MOONY! ON WITH IT ALREADY!" Remus is so annoying sometimes. I'm telling you.

Remus just grinned at me, "Well, she was sitting there talking to Alice and Frank," fancy that I've always liked those two, "and they were saying they didn't see why everyone loved your hair so much." Fancy that I've always hated those two. "Then, Marlene chimed in and said she thought your hair was amazing. That, Sirius, is all there is to my story. Hey look James and Lily are up. Go talk to them. I need to be getting to my lessons."

"But Moony! It's a Saturday!" And with that Moony ran out of the room. What made him so uncomfortable? Why didn't he want to stay and talk to me? I looked over to talk to James and Lily and saw them sitting up against the wall the bed was pushed against snuggling and holding hands.

Oho! They have got some explaining to do...

**In case there was confusion I would like to point out that Sirius was the only one whose memory was obliviated. Sorry about any spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and what have you. **


	9. Rhymey Poetry is the Best

**Sorry this might not make much since, it didn't make much sense to me anyway, oh well :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

"Egggghhh...blleeehhh...what is that vile garbage you're shoving down my throat? I need to talk to James and Lil..."

**ooooooooooooo**

Wow it is unusually dark in here. Hello world! Could you turn on some lights for me? That would be much appreciated thank you. Wow, the last thing I remember is Poppy forcing some blue potion down my throat and something about a snuggling James and Lily.

Hahahaha I crack myself up. That is just preposterous. Why would James and Lily be snuggling? I must have dreamt that last part. That potion must have made me fall asleep.

Look over there. It is Lily. She is writing something down and walking over to James' bed and putting something down...I wonder what it could be?

Never mind that, look! I've just noticed something much more exciting! A note is laying quite obviously on James' stomach! I wonder who its from? I'm just going to go and take a look at it quickly. Not because I'm stealing his note but rather because it could be threatening! Yeah thats it! I don't want James' life to be threatened so I must read all of his notes before he is to save him from...life threatening.

Any-hoo lets see what it says:

Dear Jamie-poo,

Everything you say and do,

Makes me happy that I'm with you.

Your hair puffs up occasionally,

But that is okay as long as you are with me.

Though you should have Sirius fix it sometimes

Because when he does your hair shines.

Okay thats all I have to say.

We'll talk again another day.

Sincerely,

Your Girlfriend :D

Awww a little smiley face. Isn't that sweet? And it was all rhyme-y! I love things that are rhyme-y. Maybe I'll just keep it...No! That would be wrong. This is James' special note that in no way threatens his life. I would just like to figure out who it is from.

Of course my first thought would be Lily. Lets see, that is her hand writing, she loves poetry, and I'm pretty sure I saw her writing a note when I first woke up and placing it near James and then scurrying off to bed. But, wait it couldn't be her. It says 'your girlfriend' at the end of it. That must mean it is from She's a man duh. Oh no! This is not good. Their relationship must be getting serious if she is writing him rhyme-y poetry!

I'm off to find Alice. She'll no what to do...AAAAAHHHHHH! Pomfrey has me booby trapped. There is a magic invisible wall that is keeping me from exiting the hospital wing...oh well that is just embarrassing.

You see the thing is, you will all find this so adorable and amusing, it was just a black door. I ran into because I can't see and now my head hurts. Okay now I am really off to find Alice.

I happen to remember Frank saying something about it being scary how fast Alice appeared in front of me when he had just been talking to her so I wonder if..."Alice...Frank...Fralice...Alank." I whispered under my breath. You see I don't want to get caught after hours so I am whispering, but Alice has magical speed and hearing. She also has magical magicky-ness since she is a wizard and all of that.

Now I will just count to ten and Alice and Frank will be down here. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10. Okay Alice any day now. Come on. I know you heard me. You always here me! WHERE ARE YOU? Oh look a broom closet. I love flying. I have a plan.

**oooooooooooooo**

I've never flown through the castle before. This is simply exhilarating. This was such a great plan and...AHHH I'M GOING TO CRASH INTO THE FAT LADY! "PIXIE! PIXIE!" Wow that was a relief. It also left me with an alarming sense of déjà vu.

Up the girls staircase we go and..."ALOHAMORA!" I'm in, wow. This is amazing. All those years of trying to get up those stairs and all I needed was a broom. That was too simple.

Now to find which one is Alice. Aha! Their you are Alice. I'm just going to poke her in the face gently..."WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN IS GOING ON? WHO IN THE WORLD IS POKING MY FACE!" Alice is now looking around the room franticly for the source of her discomfort. As soon as her eyes popped open I ducked for cover under her bed so she wouldn't know it was me. I guess it is time to come out now then.

"Errr...hello there Alice. I've come to report a problem. James is dating She's a man duh and it has gotten to the point where she is writing him cheesy girly poetry." Alice brought her tiny little hand to cover her tiny little mouth. Wow Alice certainly is a tiny little person. I can't believe I never noticed before.

Then I heard Alice gasp and mumble something about needing to write Frank cheesy romantic poetry. "Ummm...Alice? We've got more pressing issues here than you writing Frank cheesy poetry. It's She's a man duh! She is going after James! She is writing him POETRY!"

Alice rubbed her tiny little eyes (not rat-like Peter tiny, but more like her whole self is tiny so I thought her eyes must be as well) and yawned and stretched then started talking. "Okay, this is simple. We just need to plant better poetry from Lily. I will leave you in charge of writing it. Then, we will give it to James and he will love it and they will love each other. I'm going to bed."

Alice instantly went to bed and started mumbling about stupid dumb Sirius. I'm going to choose not to take that to heart. She is obviously too tired to know what she is saying. Now I'm off to write a poem.

**ooooooooooooo**

I have just left James' poem on his bed. He will love it and I can't wait for him to read it tomorrow and him and Lily to fall in love and marry and have children who will save the world and have awesome best friends with red hair!

Sorry, I just got a bit carried away with my own fantasy. Here is what the poem says:

Dear James,

Hello my name is Lily.

I am kind of Silly.

Silly with my love for you.

Yes, I swear it is true.

I often have been known to trip down a stair

Even when Remus obviously isn't there

But if you just loved me as well

It would save me some injuries which would be swell

Break up with She's a man duh

Er...Ummm...uhhh...

That is all that I can say that rhymes

See you again another time...s

Sincerely,

Seriously you dolt? I've obviously already told you who I am.

There you go. That poem is awesome. If it doesn't make him fall in love with her I don't know what will. Merlin, I think I'm falling in love with her after reading that. Maybe I won't even give it to James and I will just keep her for myself. Nah, I couldn't do that. She trips down the stairs to often and I'm horrible at healing spells. Now all I have to do is wait for James to read it.


	10. Confusion and Man Time

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Sorry about spelling errors. Sorry this wasn't exactly the most entertaining chapter. I'm running out of ideas! This will probably draw to a close within a few chapters, I have an idea for the end. Thanks for reading it :D.**

Ahhh what a beautiful day, the sun is up, the birds are chirping (the animal ones this time of course), and James has a big dopey smile on his face in the corner.

Okay so maybe that isn't beautiful, it's actually quite ghastly, but it helps my plan a lot. Do you want to know why he is smiling? He is smiling because of my poem that he thinks is Lily's poem. See! I told you it was beautiful.

Well, lets just feed my ego shall we? "James what got you so smiley?" Ha as if I don't already know the answer!

"Lily hasn't fallen down the stairs in nearly two days. Sure she has some horrible green lumpy skin disease, but she isn't falling down the stairs." See I knew...wait a minute!

"Oh, are you happy because you admit you love her?" He must love her. I sent him a love note, and my love notes are the best.

"Of course I love her, we are dating. You know that." James put back on his stupid dumb smile again. What a complete dolt! I'm not talking about She's a man duh. I know you're dating her! Lily!

"I'm not talking about she's a man duh!" I yelled at him. James is so stupid! He's barking mad. Doesn't he remember that he is obsessed with Lily? He couldn't stop talking about her last week!

"Wait, what are you saying? She's a girl! Sirius? Where are you going?" I'm pretty sure the obnoxiously loud voice kept yelling at me for a while, but I stopped hearing him when I reached the end of the hospital wing corridor. I don't care what Poppy says, I needed some man time and I was leaving the hospital wing.

**ooooooooooooo**

I gathered Frank, Remus, and Peter and we all sat around in the seventh year boys dorms and we all sat around and drank butter beer and enjoyed Remus' chocolate frogs.

"And then Dorcas just hauled off and slapped Fabian! And the itching powder spilled all over Professor's McGonagall's shoes!" Frank let out a sort of girlish giggly squeal after Peter's story, Remus snapped awake at the sudden noise and his hand shot up and slapped me in the face and the chocolate frogs flew everywhere. That will be a new slapping story for Peter to tell, to bad the only person who enjoys his stories witnessed it first hand.

Peter looks rather alarmed. "Remus! Why did you hit Sirius?" Remus just waved him off groggily. Oi! Moony! You can take a nap when I'm not getting my valuable man time!"

"So you people, have any dates lately?" Oh crap. Frank's gone all doe eyed on us. Please not an Alice story. This is man time! We're supposed to bump fists and burp and talk about the ladies! We are not supposed to talk about the latest cat fight, Frank's budding romance, and fall asleep while telling each other stories!

"Well, you see, I was planning on proposing to Alice. It is going to be so lovely. I'm going to do it in about a..." This is about where I tuned out. Really Frank! If you want me to listen you need to say something more exciting.

"And then the alligator will spit out the ring and someone will sweep up the exploded cake bits while I hug the crying Alice, and hopefully by then the magic paint will have dried." Wow. That story might have actually been worth listening too. I need to teach Frank to open with the interesting bit, otherwise I will ignore him.

"How about you Remus? Dates lately?" Peter asked curiously. Pfffttt...as if Peter. Remus was never one to kiss and tell.

"Oh there have been a couple since we last talked." I take that back. Remus never has been one to kiss and tell me. What exactly have I been doing lately that I have missed all of this?

Oh thats right! Thank you for reminding me. I was just drawing a blank for a second. I have been helping bring James and Lily together.

**ooooooooooooooo**

After my manly time was over and I was completely filled with butter beer, I headed down to the library where the handy-dandy marauder's map told me Alice would be. She needed to help me with a new plan.

On my way there I saw James holding hands with someone. I'm fairly certain it was she's a man duh. This is mainly because she is his girlfriend so who else's hand would he be holding?

Needless to say I blasted there hands apart. James looked pretty startled. Maybe he will realize when things keep going wrong like this that he would be so much better with our Lily-flower. Speaking of which she and James should have just gotten out of the hospital wing. (LIly is still mildly lumpy and has a green hugh but she is otherwise normal and is taking a nightly potion for that.)

That must have been where James just came from. His stupid ugly hideous girlfriend must have picked him up from there. Lily was probably horribly jealous, stupid James, making LIly jealous.

I stomped into the library dramatically and plopped down next to teeny tiny Alice. "Hello Alice." Alice smiled at him.

"What has you in such a good mood Ali..errr...Alice." I learned my mistake once no way I am going down that road again. Her name is Alice, not Ali.

"Oh just something funny Lily said. We were talking about Remus' furry little problem." Oh yes Alice, that is just hilarious, I now know why you were smiling (dear people reading my thoughts, note the sarcasm). "And she said that she should name a son she has one day after him since he has to go through such struggles. She says she would name him Harry, since Remus has his 'furry' little problem." She did little air quotes around furry.

That is just adorable! I think she should do it. Remus would just be so happy. A baby has never been named after him before.

So the name would come from Remus, and I could be the god father because I'm awesome. Then, we would think of something for Peter to do that was important, and James would be the father because it is Lily after all.

That will be the life. I wonder what Alice will name her future child? Let's see...she loves Hogsmeade and it is a 'new village' in her life and Neville means new village. So if it's a girl, she'll name it Neville.

"If I have a girl I'm going to name it something crazy and wild and out there like Mary." Mary? Crazy, wild, and out there? Why thats the name of a regular dare devil Alice. It really is.

"Anyway moving on, what are we doing next for our plan?" Please think of something Alice. Your boyfriend, Remus, and Peter have just drained me of all possible thought from their boringness. I need you to save the relationship of James and LIly.

"Well, how about we lock James up in a...no that won't work. Well, we could always tie Lily's soc...no that won't do either. Oh! Oh! I've got it! What we'll do is, we'll put Mr. Nibble's , that's Lily's cat, in grave danger. You will dangle the cat by the tail over the great lake and James will be all gallant and to the rescue. Then, if that doesn't work we are giving up. If that doesn't work they will never be together."

Fair enough Alice, fair enough, but that plan will work, it just has to! Now if you will excuse, I have just realized that through out this whole story I haven't gone to the bathroom or showered so I will just be doing that, thank you very much.

**Review?**


	11. An Alligator, A Cat, and an Ending

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Well, this is the end. I didn't expect it to be the last chapter, but it was. I'm going to write a oneshot about Remus that is marauder era that I have an idea about. Then, I will either do a story or a oneshot about Peter because even though I don't particularly like him he shouldn't be the only marauder left out now should he? Thanks for reading :D. **

Gahh! Dumb stupid Mr. Nibbles. I have little cat scratches all over my body because of Alice's dumb plan. Apparently Lily's cat doesn't like to be carried all over the place.

Oh well! I must carry on anyway (hahaha, did you catch my pun? Yes, yes hold the applause I know I'm brilliant...).

Now, I am going to hold this cat over the lake. Alice better hope this plan works! GAH! This cat won't stop scratching me! This is so painful. Ouch, ouch, ouchie, ouch, OUCH! GET OFF OF ME YOU DUMB AND STUPID MR. NIBBLES!

There that will teach him I will just hold him by his tail. How do you like that Mr. Nibbles? Huh? There isn't anything to nibble on all the way out there over the lake is there? NO! No human fingers or anything! EAT THAT! OR RATHER DON'T EAT ANYTHING BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THERE! Ha ha! That showed him dumb cat.

Okay, Alice should be here any moment now with Lily, and Frank (who is now involved in this plan) should soon be here with James. Lily of course will come first and freak out and then James will come to the rescue.

Hurry up now though James, I can't wait this long for your rescue this cat is thrashing about over the lake. Mr. Nibbles is not a happy cat, no not at all.

AHHHHH! GET OFF OF ME! THE CAT JUST JUMP ATTACKED MY FACE! NO NO NO NO NO! I AM FALLING INTO THE LAKE! AND IT JUST KEEPS SCRATCHING AND BITING AND SCRATCHING AND BITING! I do believe I am slipping out of consciousness here. I just cannot breath. Did I remember to tell Frank about the plan? He should be here to save me by now.

Oh no. Now I remember man time. He was talking about his weird proposal to Alice. And he planned to do it...oh no not today! How could it be today? No wonder no one is here. Alice has forgotten in the romance of the moment! I am going to die.

"HEWWWPPP! *GLUG* AHHHHH! REMUS! PETER! POPPY! MINNIE! DUMBY! HHEEEEELLLLPPPP!" Oh this is just horrible. I'm drowning I'm drown...wait a second. My head is still above the water.

This part of the lake is only two feet deep! I just have to stand up and...I'M ALIVE! Oh thank Merlin! I have to go in and tell Frank and Alice and Remus and James! They will be so relieved. They must have been so worried.

**ooooooooooooooooo**

I walked into the great hall. Why is there and alligator and a cake in here? Was this part of Frank's proposal plan? Why is no one paying attention to me? I'm covered in cuts, soaking wet, and carrying an angry cat by the collar that is also soaking wet.

I will just explode that cake. There you go. Now there are cake bits everywhere which filch is hurriedly sweeping up. And everyone is chasing a choking alligator while Alice sobs and is consoled by Frank. Then, the alligator spit out a ring. Why does this scene sound familiar to me?

Remus ran up to me stupidly. People think he is smart, but I know, everything he does is just stupid. Why are all my mate's stupid? Why can't they be amazing and smart like me?

"SIRIUS! WHY ON EARTH DID YOU EXPLODE THAT CAKE! IT TOOK FRANK FOREVER TO MAKE!" Oh thank you very much Remus. Yes, I am fine. No, the scratches don't hurt that much. A healing and drying charm? Really? Oh you shouldn't have.

Wait what he just says reminds me. Man time yesterday, Frank said, 'And then the alligator will spit out the ring and someone will sweep up the exploded cake bits while I hug the crying Alice, and hopefully by then the magic paint will have dried.' I looked up. Remus is covered in dry blue paint.

Is Frank a seer? How could he have predicted all of that? Unless! Did he plan that cat attacking me! Is he out to get me, or more importantly...DOES HE HAVE CONTROL OVER THE BRAINS OF CATS?

"Of course Frank doesn't have control over the brains of cats! Where on earth did you get that rubbish from?" Remus asked. Can he read minds? My friends are mind readers, cat controllers, people who fall in love randomly with people they just meet, and Peter's. Where did I go wrong?

"Did I just say that out loud or do you and Frank both have super-powers?" I'm genuinely wondering. This could come in handy. I suppose on that thought the imperious curse and legilimency could also come in handy. Also I could be considered to have super-powers as I am a wizard...BUT STILL!

"You actually screamed it down the great hall that is why everyone is looking at you like you're a crazy nutter, which you are by the way." Well then, if thats the way you want to play it Remus.

I will just look around and prove you wrong. Everyone is staring at me like I'm a freak. Except for James and some red head in the corner who are snogging. Wait hold up rewind. James isn't staring at me? This is new.

Wait a second, something in that same sentence is also important. Either she's a man duh dyed her hair, or that is Lily and the last stage of my plan worked. This is just wonderful!

I walked up to them pulled on the backs of both of their hair and looked into both of their faces. It is Lily! YAY! I'm so good! This is just ridiculous. How do I do these things? Why is everyone not bowing?

"Okay so how did I do it? What finally got you two together?" I must know which part of my awesome plan caused them to have such love.

Lily is grinning goofily at me and her cheeks are the color of a tamale. "Well, actually everything you did made me hate James more. We had started pretend dating to avoid your constant plans, but you still thought he was dating a man duh-urring a past life, and really he was fake dating me. Then, we came into the great hall sulking because you don't give up and we saw Frank propose to Alice and it was so romantic that we just started snogging and now we are dating and...IS THAT MY CAT? SIRIUS BLACK IS THAT MY CAT? I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE MY CAT! WHY IS HE WET WHY ARE YOU WET?" Lily no back off.

Lily I am not a toy! AHHH LILY NO NOT THE FACE! DID YOU JUST BITE ME? I DO BELIEVE SHE JUST BIT ME! I'm going to run now. I am sprinting up the stairs and Lily is on my back ripping out chunks of hair and slapping and biting me. She is worse than the cat.

"HELP ME!"

**oooooooooooooo**

Frank and Alice are so wrapped up in the engagement that they haven't helped me get cleaned up. James in a corner mumbling about how wonderful Lily is. Yes, the demon is great James.

Who knows where Peter is. Peter is never here anyway. As a matter of fact is his bed even still in this room? And where did his trunk go?

Remus is still shooting healing charms at all the cuts and bite marks. "Should I just go to the hospital wing Remus?" Remus looked at me like he was better than me and kind of chuckled.

"Oh yeah, hello Madam Pomfrey? Yes, I was mauled by a kitten and then beaten up by a girl, will you heal me?" Remus then chuckled heartily. Again Remus you are hilarious you just make me laugh.

"Well, how am I supposed to get my hair back?" I started rubbing my fresh bald spots.

Frank walked in and started laughing hysterically. Where did he come from? "Hahaha... here mate... hahaha... I got you a... hahaha...a hair replenishing... hahahahahahaha she really got you didn't she? You look like a moron! Have you been crying Sirius? It looks like you've been crying. And your shirt! Oh merlin that is just hilarious?" Frank then threw in a vile stepped out the door and tripped down the stairs backwards from laughing so hard.

Those stairs are very dangerous. "Hey Remus what does that vile say?" Yes significantly less attractive slavey! Go and get my potion!

Remus dissolved in laughter after reading the title. Is it punny Remus? Oh I bet its punny, because there is no way he would laugh at me. "It's hair replenishing potion." Then Remus collapsed on the floor in laughter. I stepped on his hand in retribution and left the room.

**ooooooooooooo**

I ended up sleeping in the common room because everyone upstairs is so annoying. I looked around at the sound of a thud. I saw Remus sighing as he read on the stairs and rubbing his shoulder in pain and slight exasperation.

I looked up and saw a distraught red head lying in a lump on the floor. She had been up in our dorm and then fallen not realizing Remus would be up and trying to get away before anyone noticed where she had been.

I collapsed on the floor in a heap of laughter and Lily began to weakly giggle as well. I guess although there are slight changes of reason behind things, Lily falling down the stairs everyday is something that will always happen, because not everything can be fixed by my siriusly excellently executed plans.

I can't wait to tell Frank (and possibly James depending on how upset he would be) about this one.

**Review? It is your last chance after all.**


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